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You might not know what to say or do, but just by showing up, asking questions and offering unconditional support, you’re already making a difference. Your friend doesn’t need you to fix their relationship. They just need a confidant they can trust.
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Let them know there are resources to help keep them safe. You don’t have to call for them (and you shouldn’t unless they ask you to!), but you can offer the information gently:
“I found this number in case you ever want to talk to someone confidentially. It’s 100% free, and calling is not a commitment to leave. No one will ever know if you called or not—including me”
You don’t have to have all the answers. What your friend needs most is someone who believes them, listens without judgment, and stays by their side no matter what.
START BY BELIEVING
It takes a lot of courage and strength to share what’s happening, so it’s important that their call for help is met with a listening ear and an open heart.
Abusers can often be charming and charismatic, and it can be hard to believe that someone seemingly good can do such bad things. It is not your role to be an investigator and search for “evidence” of the abuse. It is your role to listen and believe.
Our culture has a common phrase we learn as children: It takes two to tango. In relationships marred by violence, it only takes one. There is nothing that justifies abuse, so don’t ask the victim what her role was in the incident. She already feels shame, and questioning her contribution only makes it worse.
Stand by your friend, even if she chooses to stay in the abusive relationship. Often, our gut instinct is to think, “If I were there, I’d just leave!” Victims know their abusers best, and, likewise, know how to navigate their relationship best. It takes most victims between six and nine attempts to leave their abuser before that separation is permanent. Don’t judge. Remind her that her leaving the relationship is not a condition of your support.
The victim has confided in you because they trust you. Speaking out and revealing information may hurt the victim.
